The above movie is composed of three very distinct and interconnected parts.  Some people might accuse me of being a ‘faggot’ because I decided to watch Titanic during commercial breaks of the Super Bowl.  I’m okay with that.  I enjoy watching Titanic.  The whole time I was wondering, “Are they going to make it?”  They don’t.  She does.  He doesn’t.  It’s kind of shitty of her to fall asleep and let her man die.  She doesn’t even give him mouth to mouth when she wakes up and he’s dead.  Even worse, she goes on and has a family.  And then there’s that bitch Reggie Wayne.  He couldn’t even close off a route.  He was just as worthless as her.  Oh well.

This is what happened yesterday.  I’ve been alive 9539 days.  I used this guy’s music for the video.  His name is Josef Tuulse.  I like this song.

I was waiting for the bus.  Some guy’s car stalled in the middle of traffic.  I have this weird fascination with pushing cars so I pushed his car towards the sidewalk.  He thanked me and then cranked the engine.  The car started.  I walked back to the bus stop.  The guy pulled up next to me in his car and told me to get in.  He was driving a honda.  I got in the passenger’s seat.  He said his name was Bob.  I told him my name.  Bob said he was going to Pawtucket.  I said I was going to the bus stop downtown.  It was silent for a few minutes.  He was listening to snoop dogg.  I did not recognize the song, but I really liked it.  There was swearing.  Snoop dogg said, “Shit,” and “Fuck” which meant it wasn’t the radio.  I think it was old Snoop dogg.  Bob and I began to talk about traffic lights.  I asked him how long he had lived in Providence.  He said, “Since ‘76”.  Bob said he used to drive taxis in New York, but didn’t want to move his family to New York because there was “that crack rock everywhere”.  Bob said, “You can’t say nothing either.  My son said something and they shot him.  Killed him.  Last September.”  I felt sad for Bob.  I asked where his son was shot.  Bob said, “Pawtucket, in the middle of the day.  One o’clock in the afternoon.”  I didn’t know what to say to Bob so I said, “I’m sorry.”  He nodded.  At a stoplight near the bus station downtown I got out of the car and thanked Bob for the ride.  I waved goodbye.

Reasons:

1.  I’m really good. No one can beat me.  Last weekend I played football.  I caught the winning touchdown.  I also had a pretty sweet interception.  The quarterback on the other team had never lost a football game.  He was pissed when I beat him.  His name is Paul.  Fuck you Paul.  There was nothing he could do.  He wasn’t on my team.  My body of work on that field could not be matched by anyone.  The team that lost didn’t pick me.  So they lost.  It’s as simple as that.  I’m the best.

2.  Green Jesus sleeps above my bed (see picture)

3.  Everyone sucks but me.  I think Tom Brady said this on The Simpsons once, but he was wrong because he isn’t me.

4.  If I was in a band all other bands would give up trying to write new music and only play covers of my band.

5.  I don’t even need a fifth reason.

I’m back in Providence.  Saw a little fatty in the backyard yesterday.  Shout out to AJ and the LOC Board for the music on this video.  Also, I understand this isn’t a masterpiece or anything.  I had some footage of a squirrel and I put some music to it.  Highly unoriginal.  Still entertaining.

A week ago I wrote to Chipotle and said:

“Dear Chipotle, Please give me 900 free meal vouchers. I would like to eat at all 900 of your restaurants this summer. If I eat at ten chipotle restaurants a day for the months of June, July, and August I will have eaten at all your restaurants. Wikipedia says there are 900 Chipotle restaurants in the United States. I don’t have anything else to do this summer. I am a grad student at Brown. I figure I can handle the gas and car expenses if you help with the food expenses. I do not have a car at the moment, but I do know people with cars. Some of my best friends own cars and would be willing to drive me to Chipotle. I know this other guy. I think he’s going to be a famous filmmaker. His name is Thomas. I bet he will document with a video camera every burrito I eat. I like your burritos a lot. When you opened the new Chipotle restaurant in Boston I ate four of your burritos on the grand opening when you were giving them out for free. I had to stand in line for an hour for each burrito. Earlier that year Qdoba opened a restaurant in Boston and were giving out free burritos. I only ate one because Qdoba doesn’t taste that good. I really enjoy Chipotle. Every year some of my friends spend an entire day playing sports. We call it ‘Ironman’. There’s a trophy. At lunchtime we always eat Chipotle except for that one year when we ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Anyway, I hope you take my request seriously and I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Mark Baumer”

A guy named Joel responded and said:

“Thank you for writing to us. This is one of the most CLASSIC messages [sic…is that a sic…I’ve never sic’ed anyone before] I’ve read to date! Wikipdeia [this is definitely a sic] is right - we’re at around 900 restaurants currently and we’re planning to open another 100 or so in 2010. So I guess that means you’ll need about 950 ‘burrito bucks’ since you’d like to do this this summer. I certainly appreciate your interest and LOVE your idea, but as you can imagine, I’m not in a position to mail out 900 free burrito cards. I’ll hook you up with one though - write back with your mailing address and I’ll get it out to you. Just don’t tell your friends - we typically don’t give these out for no reason.”

I wrote back to Joel and told him I was serious:

“Joel, I am very serious about eating at all the Chipotle restaurants in the United States this summer.  I understand that this might come across as a joke email, but I truly believe I can do this and will not let anyone tell me otherwise.  In many ways I believe this is a great opportunity for Chipotle in terms of marketing.  I’m willing to eat upwards of 10 of your brand’s food items a day.  This is not a scam or an attempt to bad mouth the company ala the movie Supersize Me.  I feel I can eat your product as many times a day as possible and still be in shape.  In addition to traveling to every Chipotle in USA I plan to exercise for an hour a day while on the road.”

Joel responded and said some more blah:

“I’m sorry if my response was at all offensive – I didn’t mean to discount your intentions – but when you commented about not having a car, I did take your message as somewhat of a joke.  And as much as I love our food, I can’t imagine eating 10 burritos a day for 90 days so I wasn’t certain about the seriousness of your proposition.  While we appreciate your interest in visiting all the Chipotle restaurants in the United States this summer, we’re not in a position to ‘support’ or ‘market’ your efforts.  My boss, Joe Stupp, has been with Chipotle pretty much since it’s inception and he is the person who would make the final decision on whether or not we’d support your efforts.  I’ve forwarded all your messages to Joe and he informed me we can’t help, other than offering a couple free burrito cards.

Then I said some more stuff and Joel wrote back about the environment and nature and all kinds of stuff, but I was a little bored so I never responded.  Instead of eating 900 burritos this summer I think I’m either going to move to Texas or Toronto and watch baseball the whole summer.

If I was directing a movie starring Dennis Quaid the movie would open with him eating a burger alone in bed.  It would be silent.  There would be no noise.  Not even the sound of him eating.  There would be no opening credits.  I would tell him to eat the burger as normal as possible.  He would eat the entire thing.  I would tell him to run to his old high school football stadium.  He wouldn’t immediately do it because he went to high school in Texas and we would probably be filming the burger scene somewhere in Los Angeles.  He would think I was joking.  I would not be joking.  I would not stop filming until he ran all the way to the football field.  That would be the whole movie.  If he never ran to his old football stadium then we could never stop filming.

Jenny Hayden (Karen Allen) got all scratchy voice yesterday because her husband (Jeff Bridges) died and then came back to life as an alien (Jeff Bridges) who took the form of her dead husband (Jeff Bridges) and of course he was all naked, but they didn’t show any of it because the general public has a fear of alien genitalia.  Then they had to drive to Arizona.  I think they were going to visit Dennis Quaid.  He’s from Arizona, but funding got cut for the film and the director thought it would be better to send Jeff Bridges in a spaceship to his home planet, but they couldn’t afford to actually send him anywhere so they made the planet out of foam and by this point Jenny Hayden had just about lost her voice ‘cause she was crying because she had fallen in love with Jeff Bridges all over again.